Morgan’s Week 3, Fear #26: Video Editing
This week, I did something that I have been avoiding for over a year: I edited video footage of myself!
When we first created a YouTube channel a couple years ago, I was able to edit footage of myself. Don’t get me wrong, it was far from being the most pleasant of experiences but I could grit my teeth and get it done. But over time, I noticed myself getting more and more self-critical and eventually I just couldn’t stand to look at myself anymore. Those pesky internal critics were yammering away about how my cheeks were too fat, that my mouth looked stupid when I talked, my voice was annoying, I looked awkward and stupid and on, and on, and on. It just got to the point where I had to let Chris take over the editing of our videos so that I could get through the day without hating myself more than I already did.
Needless to say I was dreading this week’s fear and I could feel the anxiety rising the closer it got to editing time. Opening up the computer and seeing myself on film was incredibly hard to stomach. I had to stay focussed on the uploading deadline to diffuse the power of all the nit-picking comments swirling around my head as I spliced clips, overlaid images, inserted music and did my final polishes of the video. It was really hard. Not only did I have to sit with the feelings of dissatisfaction with how I looked, I also had to listen to my own voice. Yuck!
Tackling this fear touched on so many hang-ups I have about myself. I know I am far from being over these issues but at least I’ve taken the initial leap into the pool of self-acceptance. Practice makes…better, right?
Chris’s Week 3, Fear: Not tracking food for a week
I have been tracking my food since I was in high school. Old habits certainly die hard and tracking food is one of them.
While I don’t track religiously any more (i.e. measure out every single gram like I did in the depth of my disorder), it definitely is a compulsive behavior for me. I will leave out tastes of foods or condiments and will eye ball measurements for most things but I still feel a need to write down the general caloric intake to get a rough estimate of what I have consumed. I recognize that the “calorie” is broken and that tracking macros has a huge margin of error, but I still feel a need to set a baseline of intake.
To some extent, there is some benefit to tracking, I know that I am not underfeeding myself and I can get a general idea of calories so that I can know that I am fueling enough.
At the beginning of the week, I thought that not tracking my food would be easy but after breakfast on Monday, I felt quite differently. I had to stop ,myself from opening up the app mid breakfast to see how many calories I had eaten and whether I should eat more. Then right after breakfast a panic seized me. Had I eaten too much? Should I restrict later to compensate for the unknown?
This pattern repeated for a few days and I had to consciously resist restricting because I did not know how much I had eaten.
I also had to resist the mental calculations that I attempted to do.
“350 calories of tofu + 20g protein powder is another 140 calories + 1/4 cup honey bunches of oats or is that more like 1/2 cup–let’s go with 1/2 cup just in case”
By the end of the week, this anxiety began to fade, but I think I did mentally overcompensate for not knowing. I like the freedom and the hassle of recording but at the same time it came at a price.
I did lose a bit of weight by the end of the week. Whether this was because of the over compensation or some other factor is hard to tell without a control study of actually looking how much I ate. I think I will go back to recording but staying loose with my calculations and maybe even throwing a free day of not recording so that I can continue to work on the anxiety of not knowing.
It will be interesting to compare this to my week of intuitive eating, which is where I will eat 100% off what my body is craving. This week I stuck to fairly familiar foods and ate based off of physical demands and workouts rather than off internal cues although I did sharpen my skills on figuring out when I was full or hungry this week.
Next up is a week without Stevia–my hardest challenge yet.